Stayin' Alive

This parody (written by Greg Crowther) is sung to the tune of "Stayin' Alive" (written and performed by The Bee Gees).

This piece was commissioned by Erik White, a graduate of Dartmouth Medical School, for inclusion in a talent show put on by the second-year medical students there. The Bee Gees' original was featured in the 1977 movie Saturday Night Fever.

Jargon advisory: BP is short for blood pressure. V-fib is short for ventricular fibrillation, a dangerous type of heart arrhythmia.

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk
I'm a medical student, no time to talk.
Got a million charts, don't know where to begin,
And another patient just checked in.

"Now, it's all right," I tell him. "It's OK."
"The resident is on her way."
But I can't make him wait much more
'Cause his temperature is one-oh-four.

He's definitely illin' and he needs a good chillin'
But he's stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
His thermostat's broken and his clothes are all soakin'
But he's stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive.

Well, I'm standin' here without a clue,
And I wonder, "What would Carter do?"
'Cause I'm sleep-deprived and ill-equipped
To save this man without a script.

"It's all right," I tell him. "It's OK."
"You'll live to see another day."
But I can't find the pathogen --
Has Ebola struck again?

I had a little lapse with those spinal taps,
But he's stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
He keeps gettin' hotter but he keeps drinkin' water
And he's stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Hot, hot, hot, hot, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Hot, hot, hot, hot, stayin' alive.

Where are the nurses?
Somebody help me.... Somebody help me, yeah!
I didn't rehearse this.... Somebody help me, yeah!

Well, you can tell by the way my lab coat smells
That I'm perspirin' now as well.
I never meant to do him harm,
But he's made a down payment on the farm.

"It's all right," I tell him. "It's OK."
What else can I do or say
Except notify the next of kin
That it was me who did him in!

He's got internal bleedin' and I don't know what he's needin'
But he's stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
His BP is slippin' and his heart is v-fibbin'
But he's stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive.

Where are the nurses?
Somebody help me.... Somebody help me, yeah!
Don't want no hearses.... Somebody help me, yeah!