I Can't Do Those Stats (No Can Do)

This parody (written by Greg Crowther) is sung to the tune of "I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)" (written by Daryl Hall, John Oates, and Sarah Allen and performed by Daryl Hall & John Oates).

This song was written for my wife to sing as a musical summary of her January 29, 2021 Renal Grand Rounds talk at UW. Her title was, "Selective Inference, or, Why a Division of Nephrology Should Care About Pee." She discussed how multiple comparisons and model selection can lead to the calculation and reporting of inappropriate p-values.

So many studies can’t be verified....
What’s going wrong?
What steps can we take to turn the tide?
Robust design of studies would be swell,
But also let’s do our statistics well!

[skip 1st chorus]

I can go for a pre-specified test,
But beware p-values from selective inference!
Model selection? Better take it slow...
Multi-comparisons? I might say, “Whoa!”

CHORUS:
I, I'll do anything that passes peer review.
I'll do almost anything to please Reviewer 2.
But I can't go for that!
No, no can do.
I can't go for that!
No, no can do.
I can't do those stats!
No, no can do.
I can't go for that,
Can't go for that,
Can't go for that,
Can't go for that!

• music video (live; performed by Leila Zelnick)