**Dilating Destiny** by micha cárdenas (set: $days to 10) (set: $painkillers to 1) (set: $pain to 2) (set: $nausea to 0) Roja / level 11 / Warlock / Awoken Female / $days days post-op / GRS: Gender Reassignment Surgery / Trans Woman [[Wake up]] You wake up. You've been recovering from surgery for $days days. You have to pee. (if: $days > 10) [ (set: $pain_desc to "an intense pain") ] (else:) [ (set: $pain_desc to "a deep soreness") ] You have $pain_desc between your legs. (if: $days is 10) [ Your mission, guardian, is to maintain the balance in the galaxy between pain, painkillers, constipation and nausea. Only you can find the balance to restore healing to the body of the galaxy, your body. [[Open your communicator->Phone Day 1]] ] (if: $days is 11) [ [[Open your communicator->Phone Day 1]] ] (if: $days is 12) [ [[Dilate]] ] (if: $days is 10) [ You go downstairs and eat, so you can take more painkillers. L, your fellow guardian, of social justice, and lovely friend who is your housemate made you steel cut oats and coffee. You have a moment of deep gratitude because you barely have the energy to eat, much less cook. ] (else:) [ Your host had to leave town to see his family. You head downstairs slowly, trying not to open any healed areas. He has left you a cache of steel cut oats and cut strawberries. You are deeply grateful, and send him an encrypted engram of thanks. You make coffee. Sit on the couch to reduce your number of trips up the stairs. You eat your coffee and oats, a recipe for a bowel movement. ] [[Take Pills->Take Painkillers]] | [[Play Destiny]] | [[Dilate]] (if: $days is 10) [ You open Facebook. Freddie Gray, a black man has been murdered by Baltimore police, his spine crushed while in custody. People in Baltimore are rising up in fury. They throw rocks at police and police cars, smashing the windows, in righteous anger. Today is a day you wish you could stand, and march, even though you are on the other side of the country, but you can't. You rise in solidarity with your spirit. You get an email from your sister who took care of you the first week after surgery. She's upset that you treated her badly, she says. How could you possibly have treated her badly when you spent the first week nauseous and sleeping? Some people have no idea what it means to offer care without expecting something in return. Care should not be some form of capitalist exchange. [[Dilate->Dilate]] | [[Get Breakfast->Breakfast Day 1]] | [[Take Pills->Take Painkillers]] ] (if: $days is 11)[ More names of black people killed by Baltimore police are posted online, including a trans woman of color, Mya Hall. The National Guard is called in. A state of emergency is declared. The protests, the fire, the uprising continues... You get an email from your ex, saying she can't talk to you for a month. You reply, saying you are still angry and you don't know when you want to speak again. You ask her not to contact you until you contact her. She immediately replies with a page long email about her feelings. She has no idea that you've been continuously bleeding out of your neocunt for two weeks. You're having your first, and only period, and it's a long, long one. [[Dilate->Dilate]] | [[Get Breakfast->Breakfast Day 1]] | [[Take Pills->Take Painkillers]] ] (if: $days > 11)[ Freddie Gray's death has been declared a homocide, and charges are being pressed against the six police involved. Baltimore City State's Attorney Marilyn J. Mosby announces this to cries of joy in Baltimore. You feel some surprise, some relief, some joy. It is a victory, after so many recent cases that have gone unprosecuted: Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, Eric Garner, Mya Hall. While you still work for a world without prisons or police, that day is far away, and this seems somehow like a step in that direction. What we want now, is for them to stop killing us, black people and trans women of color. Today is a good day. Images from Baltimore show so many black families rejoicing, people dancing in celebration. You are still sore. You can't even begin to understand the significance of this moment. You have a long way to go, but today is a glorious day. The music in the menu for Destiny rises, matching this moment with it's sweeping orchestral crescendo, controller sitting idle while you watch the video of the announcement. You wish you could join the celebrations today, but you have a long time more to rest. At least, you have a moment of joy from this news. You watch the footage on Facebook of the state prosecutor saying that she sees the protesters calling for **No Justice, No Peace**. She speaks of her generations in her family of police officers, and how she is trying to work for justice. It's complicated. You cry, from joy, and sorrow, and the intensity of it all. **end** ] (if: $days is 10) [ You've been taking oxycodon regularly, and are extremely constipated. It's making you ill. You have to reduce your painkillers to just extra strength acetomenophin or ibuprofen. Your health meter is red, but still at about a third, about the be back in the white. Hold on. 7am 1 oxy 7:40am 1 antibiotic 1 estradiol 12:30 1/2 oxy 2:00 2 tylenol 1 antibio 5:25 1/2 oxy 8:17 1 antibio 2 tylenol ] (else:) [ You've reduced your painkiller intake to mostly tylenol and advil. You still have moments of sharp, sudden, breathtaking pain, but at least you have your mind back. Your health meter moves back up from red to white. 7am 1/2 oxy 9am 1 estradiol 11am 2 tylenol 2:15pm 1 cephalexin 2 tylenol xtra 8pm 2 tylenol 10pm cephalexin 11:45pm 1/2 oxy 1 cephalexin ] [[Play Destiny]] | [[Dilate]] (if: $days is 10) [ You defeated the hive witches and the Ultra Knight! You've unlocked access to a new planet, Venus. Landing in the jungles of Venus, you can't help but think how this looks vaguely like Sao Paulo, Brazil. You think you were in that building, which in this game looks like a ruin leaning in the water. The level is harder, you have to be on your toes to defeat these Vex robots. It seems like the painkillers make you a better player, because you're not so jumpy. Your old, dear friends, two white trans guys who each had their own surgeries in the past, bring you dinner and dilating supplies. They're femme and sweet and make you laugh so hard it hurts, unlike lots of other white trans guys. You're so lucky to have such amazing support. [[Upgrade your Pulse Rifle]] ] (if: $days is 11) [ You come back to the boss on Venus that you couldn't beat last time. Wave after wave of enemies later, you finally defeat them. Hack the archive. It seems anti-climactic. Your femme of color bestie LL brings you TACOS! Your fave! Again, you're such a lucky girl. [[Visit the Awoken Queen in the Reef]] ] (if: $days is 12) [ You steal the hive knight's enchanted sword and fight with it! Now this is fun! You run, swing and spin your way around the room, defeating all three knights and waves of enemies. The game is successfully training you to be a killing machine, at least with your fingers. [[Return to the Last City on Earth]] ] (if: $days is 10) [ Your Bounty mission is to dilate 3 times a day for the next three months. You won an encrypted engram, which upon decryption in the doctor's office, instructed the nurse to give you the uncommon magical equipment item of a set of 3 dilators. Dilators are similar to the common equipment item called a Dildo, but they are made from a mystical material that facilitates transformation. They are inscribed with enchanted runes which allow you to measure the depth of insertion into your new data port, your neovagina. Usage of this item requires a level 8 abilities of body scanning, breathing and relaxing. You dilate. It gives you a small amount of pain. You discover that the depths of your new self are wired to the most sensitive part of your new exterior, your neoclitoris. Breathe. Imagine opening. Imagine colored energy flowing through your body, orange around your vulva and up into your vagina, green at your heart, tourqoise at your throat, all opening. [[Get Breakfast->Breakfast Day 1]] | [[Take Pills->Take Painkillers]] | [[Play Destiny]] | [[Open your communicator->Phone Day 1]] ] (if: $days is 11) [ Begin insertion of your dilator into your neovagina. Breathe the stars down into the top of your head. Feel your body start to relax. Bring the stars and the night and the galaxy into your eyes, mouth, neck, shoulders, arms, hands. Breathe. Breathe the stars back up your arms, down your chest, relax your heart and your back. Breathe the stars into your belly, into your torso, down your waist, into your ass, your mons, your vagina. Breathe, imagine the stars expanding, the galaxies and nebulas in their bright colors growing, growing apart, opening. Exhale, imagine them expanding more, seeping out, growing. Opening. [[Get Breakfast->Breakfast Day 1]] | [[Take Pills->Take Painkillers]] | [[Play Destiny]] | [[Open your communicator->Phone Day 1]] ] (if: $days is 12)[ Level up! You have successfully completed 10 days of dilating 3 times a day with your current dilator. You are rewarded with a larger dilator. Dilating is now harder. You have to breathe more. It seems like this one won't move when you push it in. Breathe deeply, again, visualize the relaxation going from your mouth to your shoulders, down your body to your vagina. Push, more, see the dilator move a tiny amount. You feel something intense, between pain and pleasure, or a combination of both. You're not sure how to process what this feeling means. After 10 minutes, you finally have the dilator in you to the desired depth. Your legs tingle. You feel so full. You feel it in your clit. This is different. You have leveled up! [[Play Destiny]] | [[Open your communicator->Phone Day 1]] ] This game seems like it's designed for a teenager, all about grinding to get a slightly bigger gun, better gloves, the next spell. The respawning restriction reminds you of Metroid, your favorite game when you were a kid... (set: $days = $days + 1) (if: $days < 13) [ [[Fall Asleep->Wake up]] ] (else:) [ (set: $days = 12) [[Check Facebook->Phone Day 1]] ]Why Doesn't the Awoken Queen see I'm also Awoken? This feels like transmisogyny, like not being recognized as a woman, again, but I think it may just be bad game programming. You play the levels again and again until you beat them. You play until your eyelids are heavy. (set: $days = $days + 1) (if: $days < 13) [ [[Fall Asleep->Wake up]] ] (else:) [ (set: $days = 12) [[Check Facebook->Phone Day 1]] ] So much dancing. You upgrade your helmet to the Logic Singer. You buy a better sniper scope. You look out at the majestic observer. 500 million dollars went into designing this game. It was made back on the first day of sales. Yet there doesn't feel anything profound about it. It lacks drama. Unlike your life. (set: $days = $days + 1) (if: $days < 13) [ [[Fall Asleep->Wake up]] ] (else:) [ (set: $days = 12) [[Check Facebook->Phone Day 1]] ]