Marina Oganyan

Slav 470

Identity

When I was fourteen, I experienced what English speakers might call “teenage angst”. I felt unsure about myself, humanity in general, the universe. However, my thoughts differed in one main way from a typical American teenager’s. I am bilingual in Russian and English, I was born in the Ukraine. Although the exact proportions depend on the people who I am with and what I am reading, I typically spend a large amount of time thinking in each of these languages. During this period, I clearly remember that there were certain teenage emotions that I never experienced when thinking in English and others in Russian. My feelings when I thought in English were more rebellious and generally philosophical, while my Russian feelings tended to be more fatalistic and humanistic. As a result, I realized that in some senses I am a different person in each language because I experience different emotions. On the other hand, I feel that these parts of me do interact and as a result I cannot relate to certain American ideas and emotions because of the part of me that is Russian and vice-versa. Since Russian is my native language, the language I use with my family and because I live in America, I will discuss my feelings about the former although I do experience this feeling in Russian as well.

Being a bilingual has opened me up to how different languages can be. I have found that most of what monolingual people often take to be universal concepts are in fact language and culture specific. Even, the most basic human emotion, love, is not the same in English and Russian. The word ‘love’ is used very differently in the two languages. In English, it is possible to say that you love pizza or somebody you do not know very well. In Russian, love or ‘lubov’ is what you feel for a very close friend, a family member, somebody you are intimate with and the word is not used lightly. Of course, even in English the word love when used to describe how one feels towards pizza is not meant the same way as what one says to a significant other. It is the in-between definition of love that confuses me. Many American girls that I am friendly with say “I love you” or “love you” to one another and to me. It makes me uncomfortable, partly because I am not sure what they mean by it. I do not know these girls well enough to feel anything close to love for them. I am fairly certain that this feeling is mutual. Yet, it is an established part of social interaction. In addition, I am not accustomed to using the word lightly. Even with people towards whom I feel ‘lubov’, I only use the word in rare and special cases.

I have often discussed this idea with my American best friend. Once, when we were younger it came up in conversation that my parents very rarely tell me that they love me. My friend was shocked. Her parents tell her that nearly every day, at the end of every telephone conversation, whenever she leaves the house and so on. She felt that I was in some way deprived and I felt that it was assumed and felt it was odd to keep saying it. After a while, we learned to accept this as a cultural difference. Of course both of us know that our parents love us. The difference is the way in which this love is communicated. In a Russian family, it is assumed that your parents love you. They do things to show this all the time. In an American family, it is necessary or accepted to say ‘I love you’ in order to show that love.

One difficulty that I have with the American English (or at least Seattle) language is the meaning placed on words. In Russian, sincerity in language is assumed. People, who are not trying to deceive you, do not say things unless they mean them or at least they think they mean them. Particularly when it comes to saying positive things, people are careful; they say them only when they feel them. This affects the type of language used by people and what is considered polite. For example, in English compliments are often paid as a formality, a way of being nice. In Russian, there is no such thing as a formal compliment. As, a result, when you receive a compliment such as “your dress looks nice” in English, you say thank you. In, Russian, you do not because it is just an exchange of opinions. At the same time, you can be certain that the person paying you the compliment in Russian really meant it, unless they are trying to deceive you. In English, this is not as apparent and not at all implied by the compliment itself. Typically, when I am paid a compliment in English especially in a social context from somebody I don’t know very well, I tend to react automatically to the compliment without taking it personally. Compliments in Russian tend to mean a lot more to me.

I have a theory that the way I can tell where someone is from is by the language they are thinking or talking in, especially when it comes to Russian speakers. Russian speakers use different facial expressions than English speakers. Based on what I have seen in photographs, I think that when I speak Russian, I have a slightly different expression in my face then when I speak English. My Russian expression is more raw and sincere, while my English expression is more closed and ironic. (Of course this is a generalization, but I think that this is the general pattern) However, I think that a person’s native expressions are typically more prevalent no matter what language the person is speaking in.

One example of a language specific facial expression that I have trouble with is what I call the ‘American smile’. In Russian, a smile means that you are happy or joyful about something, you are feeling nice inside. When a Russian person smiles at you, it is like sharing a secret, experiencing somebody else’s joy. A person’s smile is visible in their eyes as well as their mouth. This happens with Americans as well. However, this is not all a smile can mean to an American. People smile when they pass one another on the street or just in casual greeting, whether they are feeling happy or not. Clerks at stores are paid to smile at their costumers. For pictures, people have an automatic smile, which they call their ‘fake smile’. To me, this feels wrong, almost sacrilegious. No matter how much I tell myself that the person who is smiling doesn’t mean any harm, that it is a social norm, I still tend to find it offensive or at least irritating when somebody smiles at me in this way. It also annoys me because I know that not returning the smile might be considered impolite or hostile, while I find the gesture to be hypocritical and empty in that context. This is another example of what I consider to be an insincere form of interaction.

Not only facial expressions, but also conversations in English can feel formalized and unnatural to me. When somebody asks me ‘kak dela’-[how are things] in Russian, I know that they would like to know how I’m doing. When somebody, other than a close friend, asks me ‘how are you’ in English, I know that they are expecting me to say ‘good/fine/very well, and you’. This is not a real question, but rather a formalized exchange or what people call ‘small talk’. In Russian, this is not something people typically engage in. In fact, I cannot think of an analogous phrase in Russian. Because of small talk’s role in social interactions, I tend to find social activities with Americans other than my close or childhood friends to be emotionally draining. Normally, talking to other people leaves me refreshed. I especially enjoy discussions or argument, as they get me thinking. However, at an American social event, I often find that half of the effort goes into keeping a friendly face and maintaining meaningless small talk, where in my opinion no real thoughts or feelings are exchanged. Typically, I have an easier time socializing with younger people, since they tend to skip this step. As I am getting older, I find myself involved in formalized conversations more and more often. Sometimes, I find it easier to engage in casual conversation with males who are less inclined to participate in these types of formalities.

Perhaps a deeper effect that being natively Russian speaking has had on me is that it is I have formed a Russian idea of friendship. In my friendships with other women or girls, I expect a certain level of closeness, which I feel is not assumed among Americans. In Russian, there is a word for a close female friend, a ‘podruga’, which in English might be called a ‘best friend’, but I have not found the words to be equivalent. Many of my friends that I grew up with in Seattle are Jewish. On Saturdays, in the Jewish community, people often come over to each other’s houses without specific invitations because the use of a telephone on that day is prohibited according to Jewish law. This Saturday interaction is similar to the way in which Russians interact with friends on a daily basis. Although in Russian culture, friends do not usually just show up at each others houses, it is common to agree to get together over the phone without any advanced warning. People are a lot less formal about seeing their close friends. It is not necessary to plan a dinner together or a play-date for children a week in advance. This is the type of relationship I would expect from a ‘podruga’. As a young adult and child I feel that I have been able to find a similar type of relationship with an American, especially since I grew up in a small community. However, I feel that as I get older, the friendships I make are becoming more formalized and I am afraid that as an adult it will be much more difficult to come across a ‘podruga’, at least outside of a small community setting.

Being raised in one language, while growing up in another, has taught me a lot about how much of an affect language has on human interactions and emotions. There is a difference between a ‘podruga’ and a ‘friend’, between ‘love’ and ‘lubov’. I think that understanding these differences and admitting that they do exist will help people get along across cultures. Maybe it is up to bilinguals to make this possible.