Abstract
Libraries large and small face staffing problems. With record high employment in many areas, management frequently faces a limited selection of candidates even for entry level jobs. Creative solutions are needed. One often-overlooked pool of skilled workers are found in the Federal Witness Protection program. Several libraries in midwestern library consortion had excellent results placing FWP workers in a variety of positions.
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Here at the Ferdinand P. Lowery Library on the Amy Braburne College for Wayward Girls, we were really suffering from a staff shortage brought on by a tight job market and our pathetic pay scale. Employees endured long hours, waiting for the call from Wal-Mart that would get them out of this hell hole; patrons were angry at delays in service from the cranky, overworked staff; librarians had to work the reference desk; and worst of all, the director was personally forced to direct a patron to the wash rooms. We needed more staff and we needed them now.
At this point, one of our shelvers with connections to the underworld, was trying to find a appropriate hide-out for her cousin Vinnie the Squealer. Squeekie, as he has affectionately come to be known here, was living in the crawl space under the library and was discovered when we initated a frantic search for the little Debbie Snack Cakes missing from the library staff canteen. Vinnie begged us to let him stay and offered to shelve books. After a brief literacy test, in which he demonstrated a grasp of 75% of the alphabet, we set him to work in the PK 1400's reasoning that no one would know the difference however they were shelved. Squeekie turned out to be a big success and was soon promoted to the circulation desk where his skill at sneering and lack of personal hygiene reduced patron requests by half, thus further reducing the need for staff.
We felt we had the germ of an idea. We promptly contacted federal prosecutors in major cities on both coasts offering potential jobs in a warm, family-oriented institution. Soon we'd ramped up to 5 part-time and 3 fulltime FWs, and had turned to our sister institutions to offer more positions.
By and large, we think this has been a win-win situation. People fleeing for their lives might as well live in the midwest. Most of these employees are capable of living on their own in rooming houses or apartments, however some, like Vinnie, are more comfortable in the crawl space where they perform useful services such as replacing light bulbs and finding gas leaks. The library has gotten some very dedicated employees, who are unlikely to seek positions elsewhere and have their identities questioned. The dean is happy because we didn't have to offer more than minimum wage.
We had some unexpected improvements to our security plan. In addition to the usual street people, we now had to consider the possibility of hitmen. Our new employees were eager to advise us in procedures and defenses. Our staff members showed an unanticipated talent for small arms training. The director said we should have done it years before. We all feel much safer in the library, and that conspicuous bulge under the jacket adds authority to librarians when dealing with faculty. The staff entered into the spirit of the enterprise by chipping together for matching 9 mm semi-automatic handguns with our library logo. Several library supply companies have enquired about carrying them in their catalogs.
Not all of our new employees entered at low skill jobs. Harry (not his real name) came to us after a former employer was sent up for tax evasion. We were amazed that anyone would let such a skilled and creative accountant go. We were all thrilled with Harry's skill with an expense account. He can really make a budget go a long way. In fact, long enough for the director to take that tour of Bahamian libraries. Although the dean has mentioned something about 'cooking the books', Harry says she'll never prove it. Moreover, he feels certain he can put us in contact with some people who would love to donate millions to a library book budget.