Our academic library is in the throes of a quite aggressive renovation and we have had to think long and hard about what improvements and modifications would need to be made in order to make the library more efficient for both patrons and staff. Also, due to the unsavory activities of some of our patrons, decisive changes needed to be made to stem the rising cost of repairing materials and replacing stolen books. After much soul searching, and budget fiddling, we have decided that evasive measures needed to be taken. I am happy to announce that we did not have to look far to answer our problems. There are many items on the market today, or in the near future, that will greatly aid us to reach our goals of library efficiency and staff contentment. In my research for this task, I came across several catalogs of little known library supply companies from all over the world. Oddly enough, advertisements for these were found mostly on matchbook covers and in the back of Soldier of Fortune and Dungeon magazines. I would like share just a few of these items found from these resources in order to help other libraries having to deal with similar difficult issues.
Why just have the same dull unassertive beep, beep, beep normally emitted by security gates that everyone, including the circulation librarians, ignore? When that patron cruises past the security gate with an unchecked-out item, would not the sound of barking, snarling rabid dogs erupting from all sides be more effective? How about rapid gunfire or the screaming throng of a Richard Simmons sighting? If any of these sound good to you, then you need Das Gate from The Gates of Hell Corporation. Once this baby is activated, patrons will have a new respect for the circulation desk.
A variation of the above, the Terminator model, is offered that has live wires located just under the carpeting of the security gate. These will only be activated when a nonauthorized removal of library property has been attempted. No siren is needed with this model, for the jagged agonized screams of the offending user as they jerk in sporadic jolts of pain should be warning enough. Another version is the Congo model which offers a tracking system that will shoot tranquilizing darts, strong enough to drop a bull elephant in less than thirty second, at the offending patron. An added bonus: During the tracking sequence, a barrage of drum beats and jungle noises will be played on a Dolby Rap-around Sound system, for the enjoyment of the circulation department.
Ever had to evacuate a large, convoluted library for one reason or another and just could not locate the patrons quickly to inform them to leave or once located, had problems getting them to leave? Evaculate is the answer, by EvacCo. This product, when activated by authorized personnel, releases a cloud of lung and eye-irritating fog, much like tear gas used by many popular police forces in large urban areas and small South and Central American countries. The patrons will come running out of their hiding places gasping for air! Librarians will be issued masks with three-hour air supplies so they can facilitate the evacuation without a care in the world. After the last of the vermin, sorry, patrons have been evacuated; a large exhaust fan is activated that is able to clear even the largest building in less than twenty minutes without even a hint of odor left on books, carpeting, or remaining bodies.
Another product offered by EvacCo is the Raptor Inducement Product, or RIP. This system consists of a herd of approximately twenty genetically altered raptors, similar to those seen in Jurassic Park. Actual numbers may vary. These lovely behavior inducement officers will be released in case of the need of evacuation. They have been altered to start feeding only after ten minutes after being released from their ingeniously concealed cages. At the time of their release, a message is played over the library's intercom system to inform patrons of the release and the ten-minute dead-line. Those remaining after the ten minute period will face consequences that are well defined in very, very fine print on their student financial assistance forms.
Having problems with noisy patrons? You know those individuals who just can not seem to not carry on a loud conversation, no matter how many times they have nicely been asked to respect the studying rights of other patrons? The answer is The Library Tazer from ZapCo. This high voltage, low amperage device will render even the most talkative patron into a state of being only able to just barely breathe unaided, let alone talk. In five minutes or so, they will be able to move and think again. But now they might take your requests a little more seriously. If not, just try it again, and again.
Is your staff overstressed due to the hassles of renovation, moving offices and services, being without their phones and email for weeks on end, while still having to operate a smoothly operating library? Is the stress level so high that they are ready to inflict bodily harm on their coworkers and patrons? The answer is AquaCalm from StressCo. This product is the fresh, unpolluted spring waters of Central New Jersey heavily dosed with Valium and Lithium. This product has been used for years in Texas high security prisons and proved to be more effective than unannounced beatings and guard dog attacks. Try it today in your water system, or by the bottle, it just takes an hour or so to set in, and see if anything will upset even your most nervous cataloger.
Do you have a research room that is just not being used to its full potential? Does it always look empty and unused and you need to get your use statistics up to justify your existence? The answer would be to get more people in there, wouldnt it? But that would involve at least one use study, multiple reports to higher-ups and a marketing plan and even if all that worked, more researchers mean more work for the staff. Its a no win situation. The answer is The Inflatable Researcher by FauxCo. These are offered in units of ten inflatable researchers. Gender, age and race can be specified to meet any needed quota requirement. Along with the researchers come a disk, PC or Mac, and pneumatic pumps for inflation. The disk allows for windows-based programming of the inflation cycles. These can be pre-programmed for the week, the month, or the semester to be in sync with your libraries normal use cycles. An added feature is a preset emergency setting that can be set off by the touch of a keystroke in the case of an unannounced visit from an important library or other academic official.
Are you having problems with patrons who are using the free Internet access to connect to porn and other undesirable sites and are able to get around your NetNanny-like security programs? And are you also a librarian who has no trouble throwing away other peoples first amendment rights? If so, then there is a product for you! NetShout by the Nazi Reference League lurks behind any browser and reads what is being accessed. If it is a site that has already been tagged by the NRL or if it is a site that fits a rather loose and judgmental set of criteria, then the program will signal the reference librarian, shut down the offending computer, and start announcing in a stentorian self-righteous voice, just what the patron has been looking at and how evil it is for him to be looking at it. This program can be disabled for the librarians personal searching needs.
Have trouble communicating with the new bright minds of the future? You know, um, is this, um, that place? You know, um, where they have all that, um, stuff? Um, the book place? The librarium? What can help? A decent primary and secondary education? Like that will really happen. What is needed is a Universal Library Translator; similar to those found on StarTrek. Now that is more likely to happen. This device would instantly and correctly translate the above request into How can I access information about economic factors involved in the Spanish-American War? It will also translate your reply into verbiage that the patron can handle, such as You know, that computer thing over, um, there? Then dude, type in some, um, stuff like war and money and, um, spanish and you, um, get, um, stuff? Neither of you knows what the other has actually said, but the sooner he can get out of the, um, book place, the sooner both of you dudes will be happy.
This selection is just the tip of the iceberg of practical equipment for any academic library. As long as you have the proactive mindset to deal with library situations in an aggressive manner and the legal department to cover your fanny, then these products are for you. I hope that this selection will start you on your way to more efficient library services, and may give you ideas for more!